Dinosaurs...

While reading a comic on some website stumble gave me about a Dinosaur and Robot and not knowing what the hell it was about I started to think about Dinosaurs. I have a confession to make. Dinosaurs scare the shit out of me. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking…
“Steph, Dinosaurs aren’t even alive anymore.”

Well guess what, you clearly haven’t watched Jurassic Park. If you have, you’re a ninja and fear nothing. Those movies are terrifying. They taught me one important lesson about dinosaurs. And that lesson is: If you are near a dinosaur, you have no chance of survival and will almost always die. Dinosaurs are super lizards that didn’t die until a giant rock from the sky killed them. I can’t compete with that.

I should point out a few things about my fear of dinosaurs, this will be long. First off I would like to mention that saying I am not in the best of shape is a bit of an understatement. This causes a few issues if I ever need to run away and hide from a dinosaur. First of all, the idea of me running is optimistic to say the least. I don’t really run, I try to run and…well…have you ever seen a water balloon being thrown in slow motion? Yeah it’s kind of like that, but with legs and more sad. Second of all, my body doesn’t fit into small spaces for me to be out of reach of a let’s say, a Velociraptor!  Yeah you know what scene I’m talking about, where those kids hide in the kitchen in those cupboards. My ass is not fitting in one of those. No way in hell. Plus I’d be all out of breath from my waterballooning and we all know those bastards can hear from like a million miles away. They can smell my fear. And my inevitable b.o

“Oh but not all were bad, some were cute! Like the long neck!”
Really? Because I specifically remember it sneezing on that girl in Jurassic Park. Know what’s gross and nobody likes. Getting sneezed on by a human being. Know what nobody would like even more, being sneezed on by Diplodocus over here. Those little tiny lookin things?  Compsognathus, as Wikipedia tells me. They were little assholes and I can guarantee they would eat my ankles. Did you see the second Jurassic Park, where the little girl found them? You know what they did? They ate her. They ate her. Let that little tidbit of information sink in.

Another thing. Dinosaurs come at possibly the most inopportune moments and really just break all your shit. Beautiful backyard pool? Gone. Treasured family dog? Eaten. Let’s recap some of the movie scenes shall we? One man hid in a bathroom, although a stupid choice, it proves the point that dinosaurs will go out of their way to find you. They have no concern for what you’re doing or if you’re in that bathroom. And guess what, if you weren’t shitting before, I can guarantee if a dinosaur barges in you will be.
 

Plus I find it highly suspicious that that fat guys car broke down at the same time that umbrella necked, oil spitting lizard thing was stalkin around the place. Now mind you I haven’t watched this movie in a few years so this could be a bit off. We both know why I haven’t watched it, and I’m not about to for the sake of accuracy. I’m just saying, they may have automotive intelligence.

Furthermore!!! Those raptors terrorized those poor children in the middle of a delicious dessert treat. They were having a shitty time and found some sweet things to smile about. Enjoyed some cake, some jello, I don’t know what else, but you better believe they were lovin life! What does good ol raptor mcasshole do? Pisses on their parade. That’s what. I can’t respect anything that ruins dessert for a kid for the rest of their life.

I have nightmares about dinosaurs. And it’s no wonder why. I obviously think about them way too much.